It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
