Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
you never un-have a 4some
I need water and some morals
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
