That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
