So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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