Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
