dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
