Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
This gyro tastes like lonliness
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
