Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
