last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
