You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Randomize
