I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Randomize
