Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize
