I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
