uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
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