the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
