Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
