Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
