Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
