I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
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