Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Is it penis luge time yet?
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
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