His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
