She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
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