i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
