Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Randomize
