So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Randomize
