Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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