I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Randomize
