I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Randomize
