went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Randomize
