you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
