he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
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