Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Randomize
