I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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