Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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