the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
