You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Randomize
