Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Randomize
