one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
me + whiskey = a bad person
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Randomize
