If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
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