It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Randomize
