oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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