There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
