Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
