Sponge bath it is.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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