I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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