1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
