Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
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