We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Randomize
