Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
