Kiss
Puke
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
