how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Is Oprah even human
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Randomize
