Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Randomize
